ramblings

bad season for movies

2007-06-04T18:43:00.001-07:00

Ok, took the kiddo to go see a couple of the big summer blockbusters, and Ican't say I was impressed. yeah, I realize that too often, these films don't live up to the hype, but still...

first off, Pirates of the Caribbean 3. does anyone know what the actual plan was? because that was just too all-over-the-place. too cliche' filled, and just at times too confusing. I had the impression after the 2nd film (which wasn't as good as the 1st) that it would finish out that story. But it didn't, not really; and it has nothing at all of the charm of the 1st movie. Unless you just have to see it, I'd wait til it shows up on network.

Spiderman 3- what the hell? who wrote this, some hack from Lifetime network? I don't want to see singing, dancing, and crying as the dominant themes in my action movie. good guys, bad guys, they all tear up. all the time. jeez

It's not real, people

2007-05-04T05:45:00.001-07:00

this article http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/commentary/sexdrive/2007/05/sexdrive_0504 addressed the concept of online rape in the game Second Life. I actually agree with the article, but not with the concept that it should be a major story.

Call me an insensitive jerk or a politically incorrect prick, but I can't equate online experiences of any sort with the actual trauma of a physical rape. In fact, to do so is to me much more insensitive to true rape victims than any other position. Imagine being a woman, having been overpowered and dominated by a cruel and brutal man, in therapy, still bruised and stiff; and you meet someone who starts on about something like this. -just fucking log off the game, and call tech support. hell, if it's that bad close the connection or reboot.
"rape" is a powerful and charged term and shouldn't be cheapened in this manner. Someone getting their gaming experience ruined by an asshole does not equate. and for the record, being an asshole in an online game doesn't equate to being a rapist; yeah, there may be a pattern to watch, perhaps there are signs of antisocial and predatory behaviour. But perhaps it IS someone merely being a jerk, I could see a callous fratboy or jock mentality doing this for the sole purpose of being a prick. For that matter, let's consider the possible victim a sec- how many times is a 'hot female' character actually some guy? Couldn't that whole issue be viewed as a form of sexual domination, a male creating a pretty virtual babe and having total control over her? Is this cross-gender role playing or slavery coming thru- how many times does the player get his character killed in order to watch her writhe and moan ogasmically? And is or should that be a crime too?

I've read some Games For Windows articles discussing legalities in online games like Second Life or Worlds of Warcraft, and i find the whole concept frightening: because some clowns actually will pay real dollars for virtual stuff (check ebay), there is consideration, real consideration, of taxing virtual assets. Now there's this, where rude and obnoxious online behavior (keyboard and mouse, people) gets equated ith perhaps the most sadistic crime a man can commit. C'mon people, the virtual world doesn't exist. It's a pastime. I'll be damned if I play a game, a video game, where I can get taxed for doing something well, or arrested for deciding to 'play a villain'.

just my ramblings for the day

Tigers and the draft

2007-04-28T20:11:00.000-07:00

So round 1 of the draft and we LSU fans have been prodded again with our anxieties and complaints. What, you ask? We had the top pick and four in the first round, you say.
Right; just so. A team known for having possibly the best defense in college ball has in the past 2 years had their quarterback go number 1, two first round recievers, and (last year) a first round tailback who went on to rush for 1000 yards and help his team win the Super Bowl. Clearly this speaks ell of the talent the team possessed on offense too; all those fans bitching about not winning the BCS again have plenty of ammo to shoot there.
The cupboard isn't bare next year, not by a long shot. Matt Flynn is capable, if not the franchise savior Jamarcus is hailed to be. Early Doucet is every bit as good as Buster Davis and Dwayne Bowe, and hopefully there are more recievers waiting in the wings. Keiland Williams looks to be a stud at tailback, and Trindon Holliday may develop into the next Ted Ginn Jr/Reggie Bush/Skyler Green gamebreaker athlete of college football. The D also looks strong as always. Maybe this is the year.
Have to smile, albeit cruelly, at Brady Quinn's fate. Not only did the notre dame goldenboy not go first, he fell all the way to 22nd in the draft. Then in one of those truly deserved moments of justice for the pampered, it still sucked for him. He didn't get the glamor of a high draft spot, but he also still fell into one of the true messes in the NFL- Cleveland traded for him. So he gets all the problems involved in going to one of the worst teams in the league without the glory of being a top 3 pick. Good for him.
geaux Tigers!

2007-04-26T08:54:00.000-07:00

This is a continuation of the chain of thought on an earlier post... I suppose I'm overloaded with all the labels applied to everything, of how politics has invaded every waking aspect of our lives. It seems like you MUST be a conservative or a liberal if you have any opinion on anything. I just don't see it that way, and am getting more disenfranchised by the minute. Whatever happened to personal beliefs and values? Why must we sign on to every stinking aspect of what one or another person says? If you enjoy a fairly openminded life and don't want narrow-minded bible thumpers imposing their own brand of morality through law, who's to say you must support gun bans and mandated quotas? If you enjoy and take advantage of the right to own firearms, where's it written that you must also reject stem cell research? Why can't I wear tie-dye t-shirts to the gun range? Why can't I be a proud American who'd like to know what the fuck the plan is with Iraq? "If we leave now we admit defeat...". Ok, first I thought we wanted to kick Saddam's ass. We did. Second, and more to the point- what is 'VICTORY' in Iraq?
Is that the end of rampant violence? If so, good luck. Certain cultures have never gotten along and likely never will. The Balkans have only experienced peace a few times, and that was under the boot of the Nazi and Soviet armies. Otherwise, they've gone at it but good. Same in Iraq, the Shi'tes, Sunnis and Kurds don't get along. And don't plan to.
Is it the creation of an American-loving state that wants to be like us, another Japan? Well, first off we didn't pound Iraq itself into submission like we did with Japan (we nuked the Japanese twice among other things). In fact we actually tried to spare civilian casualties. That is honorable and noble, but doesn't make the general populace very docile. And anyway, there's a strong undercurrent of anti-Americanism in Japan still; just watch some of their anime like Gundam etc. War between the good guys and the evil 'north american' forces. hmmm....
Expecting an end to attacks on American forces before we leave? Just remember that we're foreign occupiers in their homeland. Simple fact. Part of the issue in Vietnam, the longer we were there the more the overall public resented our being there. Would we want to see another army on our soil for an extended period of time, especially one ethnically different from us?
Sidetracked a bit there, but the point is it isn't unpatriotic to want US troops out of Iraq. Job is done, and we left a mess. So sorry.
And the arguments for war seem awfully hollow now. Not only didn't we find huge stockpiles of the infamous WMD (and they did use them on the Kurds and Iranians, so we know they had them), but isn't North Korea test-firing missiles and nukes right now? And SPECIFICALLY naming us as the reason, while Iraq backpedalled bigtime away from us? I don't advocate or want an invasion or war, but if belligerent nation with WMD is the yardstick, there ya go. Or liberating a nation from a dictator? If it ISN'T, then don't say it is.
I don't know, I just don't think that's actually an opinion that should be one party or another. I sure as hell hope the ultra conservatives are mindful of the cost of war, and that the liberals also are aware of the need for strength.
As for now aiming at Iran, that would be a huge mistake. Certainly it'd be as easy a military victory on the battlefield as Iraq, but the entire world would get sucked in. You think terrorism is bad now? What happens when the recruiting propaganda of "the US is a threat to us all" gets a whole lot more believable? and believe me, who in Syria, Libya and other places would buy they're not next? Nato'd get pulled in as the bombs go off in Europe; Russia too (let's not forget Chechnya and Azerbaijan are muslim). If you're going to do that, if you absolutely have to go there, may as well go ahead and nuke them. Get it over with. Just being honest, if you want to go after that 3 ft wide hornet's nest, you better plan on destroying it. Otherwise, leave it alone. If leaving alone isn't acceptable don't just hit it with a stick, spray it with gas and blow it up.

misdirections...

2007-04-12T12:02:00.000-07:00

The other day I found myself confronted, yet again, by the face of belligerent ideology, of what amounts to brainwashing. The incident started innocuously enough.
A buddy of mine, an avowed conservative, dropped by. I remarked that I guess he, too, was missing the free concert. He looked at me quizzically, so I told him about Sheryl Crow's appearance at the LSU Student Union to promote awareness about global warming ( http://www.sherylcrow.com/news.aspx?nid=7731 ). His reaction was full of bile and venom, as though he had swallowed a spoonful of salt and vinegar.

I understand this, and yet I don't. Certainly I can appreciate the individual right to support your own views and politics, and that was never in question. What I find so stunning, so appalling, is that this topic is political at all. The vast majority of the scientific community is in accord that the global warming phenomena is real, that there are mounds of research to support it. The depth and severity is debatable, but the theory is sound and nearly universally accepted by scientists. And yet the issue has become part of the "Left/Right" debate... and thus any 'loyal' Republican is supposed to refute it as though it is all make-believe. The conservative friend in question is educated as an engineer, and he SHOULD understand the principals in play scientifically. Opposing science on the basis of politics is folly; and any brand of politics that denies scientific facts is ass-backwards and dangerous. I already have concerns about the Republican party on their support of Intelligent Design versus evolution; the anti-abortion crowd doesn't bother me as much because at least there can be debates about when the fetus becomes viably human. But to deny, to flat-out DENY something scientifically proven, that's different. That's not very removed from the theocracies in the Middle East stirring up irrational hatred towards the West. Again, it's a total refusal of accepting the most rational of human endeavors, scientific research. How can you expect someone who scorns rational thought to ever think rationally?
It's just funny, and sad, because he admitted he likes her music. So he denies seeing a musician he likes for free in order to follow the dogma of his icons, which tell him science isn't real. What will those icons say later on, that again it's all propaganda? C'mon, at least be honest about it- their power base is oil, and their profits and livelihoods will be drastically impacted if some of the environmental reforms take place. I can accept that as an answer to the opposition far more than 'it's all liberal lies'.

hawks etc

2007-02-09T09:24:00.001-08:00

just sipping my coffee considering news of the day.

USC possibly in trouble because they signed a top recruit from New Orleans, a running back everyone says is the next Reggie Bush. hmmm, . apparently former players can't talk to recruits, yet the guy said he spoke to Reggie Bush about stuff at USC. Reggie's in NO; not very hard to buy. so you're telling me the kid can't ask the former Heisman Tropy winner who just left the place, who has the same style of game, in his home city "hey man, what's it like out there?" pretty odd. rules or not, that would be my first course of action.

Yet another headline saying 'Iran supplying insurgents', and that subject is now Lou Dobbs' latest rant, on a par with border issues. --what exactly do people expect? I'm certain Iran has supplied Shi'ites with weaponry for a long, long time. Someone sure did. Is it a shocker? Let's see- practically speaking, the two countries share a large border, Iran is one of the more stable, strong and secure countries in the region (not our choice, but like it or not, Iran is the least likely middle east country to see rioting etc in), and it's in their best interest to see a sympathetic government set up in Iraq. what else would you expect? more to the point, what do these hawks want, screaming about it so much?? "wag the dog" comes to mind, but we already have our distracting war. in fact, on an objective note, it's getting time to consider a draft-- our troops are spread out way too thin to consider another serious conflict of any kind, be it in Iran, North Korea, Europe, or anywhere else. No, not in favor of a draft, just looking at the playing table as it is. If we want to attack Iran, or need to repel N Korea, or defend Taiwan, yada yada- right now we just can't. Shit,I still think Katrina gave us the perfect alibi to pull out of Iraq to attend to New Orleans and Biloxi, and we didn't use it. New Orleans still could use a concerted military occupation/rebuild in order to restore things. But that's another rant....

Temptation awaits us everywhere. Case in point: I went to the library the other day to get a novel. Right now I'm a big Clive Cussler fan, enjoying the hell out of his 'Dirk Pitt' stories. If you don't know, several of these books have been made into movies- Raise the Titanic and Sahara. So anyway, I'm looking on the shelf and come across "Valhalla Rising', which would be the next chronologically speaking from the last one I read. Good deal. Then I notice a little sticker on the dustcover, maybe it says '#1 bestseller' or whatnot... -no,it says " SIGNED COPY " , and sure enough, there's a signature in impressed ballpoint preceding the title page! 2 questions come to mind-- what's a library doing with a signed copy, and what's the fine if this book gets ' lost' (things happen, y'know)?

post-party

2006-11-20T12:12:00.000-08:00

after a week of partying in Miami Beach, New Orleans and at the final home game for LSU, I figured it'd be a good time to sit down and post an update.
First off, Miami Beach: all you can say about it is wow. Just an incredibly relaxing experience; temps in the mid to upper 70's and breezy, in mid-november. gobs of beautiful young ladies strolling about in bikinis and miniskirts, world-class restaurants and 5 star hotels , top-end shops and stores galore. Supermodels doing fashion shoots in the parkway at 9 o'clock in the morning. Unwinding in the poolside jacuzzi at the Ritz-Carlton DiLido (where we stayed) after a night carousing and walking around. All the glitz and glamour you'd expect, even for a midweek. And the beach itself is topless, or at least no one was bothering the young ladies who were out like that. If that can't perk your mood up, nothing will.
The place is just incredibly clean; not a cigarette butt in sight. Street cleaners out sweeping the sidewalks in the middle of the evening, and people pressure-washing the open air malls in the mornings. Just a few drawbacks, mostly minor, to speak of. There were a few vagrants living on the beach and wandering around, but they weren't bothering anyone. There was a huge amount of Latinos who spoke poor English, if at all, which made things as basic as buying a cup of coffee a hassle at times. And for all the hype, the partying was very much relaxed in comparison to what I'm accustomed to down in New Orleans and the French Quarter. Miami beach is more a place to look around and show off in, and not very interactive. One thing in particular I noticed was the limited choices involved in alcoholic beverages; it seemed if you wanted a beer you were limited to miller, coors, bud, and 1 or 2 imports like stella artoit or corona. I'd understand if there were different choices than what I'd seen around here, but for an international city to have such a limited selection (and we did hit quite a few 'big' sportsbars and cafes) was surprising. The same applied to the harder stuff; things didn't stray much from bacardi, or seagrams, or any other stereotypical brandnames. New Orleans spoiled me I guess.

After returning back home, we did make it out for an evening in New Orleans. Beers at the Bulldog and dinner at Semolina's, (and yeah, things just tasted much better back here!), a walk thru the Quarter (had company in town, so the customary trip to Pat O's). A late nite Lucky Dog. And the ladies, while not all as hot as the Miami ladies, are considerably raunchier and sleazier; it's always nice to make it back to our decadent little town! People here just seem to take things with a different pace and attitude than elsewhere.

The last LSU homegame was a nice experience; tailgating at LSU still rules. just a huge, huge outdoor party. And, of course, the Golden Girls
And as always, the Tigers won, although not without a lot of drama this time against the hated Ole Miss Rebels and their arrogant fans. They were up 20 - 7 and chanting 'hotty toddy ..." with 9 minutes left in the game before the Tigers came to life, tying the game on a 4th and goal TD with 14 seconds left, and winning in OT. While it wasn't the blowout we've become accustomed to this year at home, the stadium was still full at the end, and louder than it's been in years (which is saying quite a bit). The deparate comeback made for high spirits afterwards, and since catching the Saints was a possibility we headed back down to New Orleans.
Luckily enough, while our guests made the game, we were tired and watched it on TV. Luckily, because just as LSU victories are the par, so also are midseason Saints defeats, especially after promising starts. So despite Drew Bress passing for over 500 yards, and Reggie Bush finally beginning to look like he might be decent, a wad of turnovers left the home team on the short end of the stick once again, and 5-1 has become 6-4. Nevertheless,

Geaux Tigers and Geaux Saints.

now, it's monday and I'm one tired puppy. back to reality

Fun stuff

2006-11-18T04:50:00.000-08:00

Just got back in yesterday from Miami Beach, got some pictures here . Met my brother Mike down there and we just checked out the scene. Amazing the amount of hardbodies out there; neither of us are in bad shape for our age, but it seemed like everyone there was just ripped. You see them running and jogging up and down the beach day and night, a devotion to healthiness that I'm afraid we don't approach here in Louisiana (here, the emphasis and effort is on partying). Although now after getting back, someone told me that South Beach is like gay central, and I could see that. There were more guys wearing speedos and thongs than I needed to see. But the girls were awesome; just tight rock-hard chiquitas everywhere. And I can attest that yes, South Beach is topless. Don't bother looking for any photos of that in my pictures; one, it would violate my TOS and shut my site down. And two, I didn't feel like getting my ass kicked by some girl after taking her pic (it's not spring break down there, people are actually pretty classy).

Miami Beach itself is a neat place. The beach is miles long, and just huge- I'd say it's gotta be close to a hundred yards or more of sand, from beachfront to waterline. Unfortunately the sand is dark and coarse compared to Destin, almost felt like kitty litter. There are a couple of major roads, Ocean and Lincoln, which are must-go places. Ocean is about 20 blocks of cafes, shops, hotels and retaurants that run along the beach. Everything is Art Deco in architecture, tried to get some of that in the pics. There are indoor areas, but no one eats or sits inside because the sidewalks are lined with tables, and it's just so nice all the time. Lincoln runs perpendicular to the ocean, and it's closed off to make an open-air mall of really upscale shops and retaurants. That place is chick heaven, go get your Prada and Armani and Versace etc. I watched a photoshoot there one morning on my way for coffee, saw it was Giselle Bundchen (and dammit, no I didn't have the camera that morning) strutting around in 10 grand worth of clothes. Nice.

visions of footballs in the darksome

2006-11-14T00:04:00.000-08:00

Oh, it's been such a long while since I've taken the time to write. Just a few quick notes: I'm starting up a new webpage http://scoobysnacker.googlepages.com/home, and I'm coming back into the light again (had a brief spell of being grumpy and moody). Quite a few things have happened while I've been away- not least of which was graduating from college just a wee bit later than scheduled (!), and a nice little truck wreck which ruined both my sweet little truck and my sense of invulnerability. But that's in the past, and I'm back to my old self (at least, minus the truck) again.

Couple of brief sporting updates- someone must have stolen my New Orleans Saints. Myabe San Antonio came and kidnapped them in the dark of night over the offseason, because these guys ain't the Aints! They're 6-3, in first place, and even when they lose they're still exciting to watch. Whoever thought Nick Saban didn't care for Louisiana when he left LSU was wrong; we all need to send him a thankyou note for not signing Drew Brees to play with the Dolphins. Ol' Nick left the Saints to pick up a definite all-pro QB, maybe even the MVP if they can keep winning and he keeps throwing for over 300 yards a game. Speaking of the Saints, it was conventional wisdom that when the Saints drafted Reggie Bush they'd have the rookie of the year on their team. And that certainly appears to be the case- only it's not Bush, it's Marques Colston. He has everything you want and like about T. O., the size and strength (6-5, 230), the speed, the route running, and the hands- and the big games; and nothing you hate about T.O. - the guy was the 3rd to last player drafted, and is humble as hell. Maybe that'll all change in a few years, but for now I'm glad he's here. Now, if they can only get Joe Horn back healthy, his groin is strained- what, is Willie Roaf's wife back in town? Joe, you need to be playing (and that means in the games), so quit straining yer groin til after the season, ok?

LSU football is weird again, somehow they've managed to lose 2 games despite looking like the best team in college at times. They definitely have the best QB in college, despite no Heisman love for JaMarcus Russell. He'll be a definite top 5, maybe number 1 in the draft when he comes out. Oh well, can't in 'em all- but at least they can roll Ole Miss and then slap Arkansas around before getting ready for the bowl season. ho knows, maybe they'll get Rutgers in the Fiesta or somewhere if they win out. Or maybe Boise State, ho I now understand is likely to be in the BCS this year- amazing; Rutgers, Boise, and Wake Forest probably playing in bigger bowls than the Tigers. Love to match up with any of them and give them a little Miami-style bowl treatment...
out for now

bikes and metaphysics

2006-04-10T19:40:00.000-07:00

in order to find peace, first find yourself

I don't know if that's a famous saying, but it's certainly true. All morning today (most of the weekend really) I was horribly mopey. downright depressed. Have some deadlines coming and had been very introspective, feeding off the failures and inconsistencies of my life. Came to some very dark solutions to my troubles, even if I didn't act on them.

I recently found my original mountain bike lying in a trash heap (it had been stolen several months ago) battered and half stripped down. I took it home, and sunday I started fixing it up. the frame is aluminum, much lighter than the replacement bike I had, the front shocks were nicer, and such- just a much better platform to start with. Anyway I replaced the crank and gearing, realigned the brakes, repaired the seat shaft. Took it out for a test ride, still in the bleak mood on the way out. But when I hit the trails it all changed- I was again on equal footing with the world, not subordinate, not inferior, not a failure. I felt alive, and capable of facing and overcoming all things in my way- and no longer concerned with those who might not look on me with kindness or approval. I felt that I was living for myself, and screw anyone who thought they were better than me. put'em on the trails with me and let's see who could do what.

It's a very simple thing to find, if only we know where to look. hobbies can be great, but they're not all equal in their effects. I like to create art, thru both conventional and digital means; and with enough time and effort involved I'm capable of some technically proficient work (haven't taken the time yet, but could produce some decent animation, certainly the quality of some kid shows). But my art tends to reflect and amplify my mood, not change it. recently, it had been becoming pretty dark. fine if one's into noir, not so fine for someone wanting to step back into hope and light.

I also target-shoot. excellent manner of finding composure; regulated breathing, awareness of both body and target, synergistic consciousness- and a nice sense of satisfaction when the holes are where you want them to be. Again, not helpful with foul moods. After all, it IS a gun- a potentially deadly weapon. not the best object to handle when you question what the purpose of your existance is, and come up with a blank. or when you ponder the balance between self esteem and the influence of others- if everyone shuns you and you remain a pariah, unforgiven for your faults, should you really feel like you're worth anything- or is everyone else right? best not to handle the weapon too much while swallowing buddha-sized lumps of angst.

Dear ol bike, though- it acts neither as a lens to focus moods nor as a means to hurt oneself or others (at least, not a practical one). It only serves as an adrenalin prod, a indow into the outdoors and an act of singular accomplishment. I don't race others. I push myself beyond what I could do before (sometimes). Sometimes I just quietly roll along and watch the squirrels and rabbits in their woods. whatever I do, I'm doing it myself. I wish I could better describe the innocent pleasure I gain from it- sorta like mixing a roller coaster with one of Thoreau's walks thru Walden. Exhilerating while revealing. I take my son riding as often as I can, and I've brought others. I wish I could share that with the people I've wanted to be close to, but for whatever reason have lost touch with.

If I ever remarry, it'll be to someone who shares that same feeling. or kayaking, maybe

2006-03-26T21:20:00.000-08:00

Wow.

LSU in the Final Four in basketball, and not only are they in, they're the favorites. Just go check out espn.com and you'll find all sorts of polls and predictions having the Tigers winning it all. Media darlings, too- the national press has discovered that Big Baby is as good with a mic as he is with the ball. Everyone seems to love George Mason as cinderella, but doesn't expect them to do much more than check into their hotels in Indy next week. LSU, on the other hand, is now seen as invincible with Tyrus Thomas and Big Baby controlling the flow.

Pretty heady, but I'm apprehensive; I think a lot of people who've followed the team this year are. First off is UCLA, officially the highest seed left but a bit of an unknown from the west coast. Having watched their game against Bama I think they can be beaten. Not exactly showing disrespect to them, but after Duke and Texas I think they're a notch below what the Tigers have faced; having watched Bama's big men give them fits I think LSU can keep doing what they've been doing and win the game by around 8 or 10.

Looking ahead is always dangerous, so I hope the team isn't doing it, but as a fan I'm free to do so and will do so now. And what I see gives me a cold pit in my stomach. All season long LSU has built on early losses to good teams, 1 or 2 point losses against elite teams that left you feeling the once this team grows up they could dominate. A 1 point loss at Conneticutt, a 2 point loss at Ohio State. Not a single severe loss on the board; all games they had led up until the end. And then came the game against Florida. Florida handled them down in Gainesville by about 12 or so points, and weaknesses were exposed. Big Baby was blocked by people 6-10, and Tyrus' lack of experience was evident. He was outplayed and not a factor. There was a rematch in the SEC tourney, in Nashville. In that game, Tyrus was out with the ankle injury. Davis was more effective, and the Tigers stayed even with the Gators for most of the game; over the last 7 minutes Florida once again pulled away to a double digit win.

OK, it's often stated how tough it is to beat a good team 3 times in one year, and Tyrus, healthy again, should be better prepared for the Gators this time. But sometimes one team just doesn't match up that well with another. I'm worried this is the case. What's worse is that Florida is from our conference; so making the Final Four doesn't achieve any bragging rights this time. The flip side to George Mason playing Cinderella is that the Gators have possibly the easiest road to the Finals (midnight tends to toll at this point, so expect GMU to turn back into pumpkins). This means for the Tigers to separate, to have anything to boast about, they have to not just show up, not just make the Finals, but beat the one team that embarrassed them (twice) this year.

I guess it's what it's all about, but still, yikes. Geaux Tigers!

adventures in wonderland

2005-10-07T06:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the distance between two points in time is greater than the sum total of days involved. On the calendar it has been six months, while in terms of who I am it's been an eternity.
I am in all ways a different man than the person who I was, the one who slept in my skin and drank my coffee and ate my bacon. The world I thought I knew is gone, passed away like a scrap of newspaper caught up in an autumn wind. I may or may not continue to post to this blog; I have so much more that presses for my time. But at the least I will revive and update it in the event that some unlucky soul stumble upon it.
Then to now, I seem to be growing backwards. Dropping years and experience in exchange for a second chance at life. I recently had my 37th birthday, but I'm not 37. Not in appearance, where I look 30 maybe, the giveaway being those grizzled temples and whiskers I've acquired. I used to have the beginnings of wrinkles, as a concerned and well meaning friend pointed out, of my own manufacture, wrinkles and creases and lines that crept across my face and heart from the aching and doubt that I bathed in. Those wrinkles are faded now, replaced by different lines, those left by smiles and laughter.
Certainly I am no longer in my 30's in spirit, in thought. I had progressed a good way down the path we all walk and create, that trail and scavenger hunt that we follow and blaze and score from birth til death. Though far from ideal I had reached a few milestones, a few seminal markers: marraige. a child. a mortgage. a job- not the grand career, the shimmering dream we see in our teens as we grow towards adulthood, but the J O B that our elders told us about, that we would need in order to keep the marraige and child and house with the mortgage. I saw the extinguishing of dreams and felt the cold splash of reality, learned the most important lesson that life has to offer- that the world rolls on and will keep doing so, whether we do ourselves or no; and if you stop to cry or check your bearings it may well roll over you and crush you.
But something has happened, and I've been allowed to backtrack to my early twenties, back to the moment of error. To the moment I chose, noble and naive and foolish, back to when I chose her instead of me. I am now back and free to take the other passage, and my heart feels clear and content. If anything my laughter is quicker and my mind is sharper than before, when I first played the role of roguish man-child, of student scholar and apprentice to manhood. I know now what lies beyond the brick and ivy and books of the university for those who do not complete and compete. I smile sadly when I hear people say that they are in a hurry to graduate to 'the real world' as though that is a reward. They realize not as yet what 'the real world' is, a world of routine and boundaries, of disappointments aplenty and joys a-few.
I have become young again, if only for awhile, to redo and retry, and repair the damage I have done to myself. What price will I pay for such youth? Certainly there will be some cost; perhaps the loss of my middle years, and I shall perhaps slip from youth and vigor into tottering old age. Or perhaps I've paid enough in pain and doubt for the right to relive and rethink. Who knows? But whatever the cost I will pay it thankfully.

politics

2005-03-21T22:06:00.000-08:00

apparently our congressmen have nothing else to do but sit around

watching CNN and react with righteous indignation to the stories that
unfold. The hearings on steroids in baseball were a comical act. I
actually watched some of that on espn while waiting for the basketball
games to commence. Several players were paraded around, and asked
pointless queries about what went on. Jose Canseco made numerous plugs
for his book, which was the cause of this latest scandel. Mark McGwire
took the 5th on any question even remotely in his direction. Curt
Schilling fired some shots at Canseco and basically denied the
existence of the issue; he said he could think of only perhaps 10
players over the length of his career (16 years) that may have been on
the juice. The others just sat and looked uncomfortable, probably
wondering what they were doing there and what consequences, if any,
congress may impose. Frankly, I was left wondering that myself. What
do they intend to do, outlaw illicit usage of drugs? Been done
already, I believe. Even funnier were the questions about why players
would do that and how come, in their opinion, the big leagues never
imposed stiffer penalties or otherwise tried to curtail steroid use.
What I would of given for someone, anyone to state the obvious: money.
Doesn't anyone remember the hype and hoopla surounding Mark and
Sammie's pursuit of the homerun record? What owner, raking in the
dough from that bonanza, is going to say "Y'know, McGwire's hitting a
ton more than he used to. Maybe we should test him for 'roids".
Interestingly Barry Bonds was left out of the congressional hearings,
even though he now 1) has since passed McGwire's season record and is
closing in on Aaron's alltime one, and 2) has grown, in his mid to
late 30's, to roughly the size of a water buffalo (go look at pictures
of him with the Pirates sometime, and compare the difference). Of
course, he's a surly individual- but don't we know about "roid rage"?
Then again, he did throw out the issue of racism when he was asked
about being on the juice. Maybe our precious congressmen don't want
him hammering away at them on that. All in all, just a bizarre waste
of time.
Not so funny is the sudden entry into the Schiavo ordeal. For those
living under a rock, Terri Schiavo is the woman who's been in a
vegetative coma for over a decade now. Her husband states that she
would not have wanted to live that way, and has fought to have her
taken off the feeding tube and allow her to die. Her parents insist
that she's still sentient and want her kept alive. There is no easy
way to this issue, to boil it down to palatable bites. I was married
for seven years, and I know that niether myself, nor my wife, would
have wanted to be kept on life support without hope. Yet we never
filled out the necessary documents stating this, and we were both in
the healthcare field. Many people don't. Let's look at what's known
about this. Numerous doctors have been consulted, and many tests have
been run. All those who actually have been on this woman's case have
stated that she's braindead, that there's no higher functioning. Only
basic breathing and heart rate is still powered by her brain. We've
been shown some clips fom a 3 year old movie in which she may appear
to be reacting to outside stimuli (I say MAY, it doesn't
overwhelmingly look that way to me); those who have reviewed the full
4 hr tape say that it's fairly obvious that any semblance of
responsiveness is merely coincidental. After nearly a dozen years of
litigation and court procedings, the judge saw fit to grant her
husband's request. After a dozen years of hearings, not a dozen days.
Now, we have the Congress (the Republicans in particular) leaping in
to 'rescue' her. The only valid question legally is whether she was
denied due process; yet the rhetoric is inflammatory. Several
congressmen have called her husband "abusive", others make dramatic
"we're going to save this woman's life" proclamations. A bill was
pushed through and the case was thrust upon a federal judge, who's
since drawn the fire of the righteous by stating that he's going to
make his decision when he does, and won't do anything pre-emptively
before then. But her life's in the balance...!!!...
Her life. Let's go over that. All the higher processes of her brain
are gone. The brain doesn't regrow. Sure, there's some crosswiring
that can compensate for mild losses, such as what we sometimes see in
stroke victims, but that requires adjacent areas to be ok. We've seen
this condition before, many of us have known someone at some point of
our lives in this circumstance. They're gone at that moment. That's a
purely scientific view; but here's another and more metaphysical one.
Some people insist in the face of science and logic that she's still
aware. Ok, she's totally physically turned off. She can't do anything
other than breath, and even that's not controllable to her. She can't
speak, or look at anything unless it's thrust in front of her eyes.
She can't move, scratch herself, sit up, feed herself. And never will
be able to again. It's been over a decade. Do you want to live like
that for that long, knowing it'll never change? Do you want to go on
another 30 years like that? Would you do that to someone you love? Her
mother claims it's against her Catholic faith to let her die. I'm
Catholic; let her pass. Don't trap her soul in that lifeless body
until her heart gives out (or would you then do a transplant???).
As for the attacks on her husband- anyone who does that should be
shamed forever afterward. There is not the slightest indication that
he ever, ever plotted to harm his wife. If you love someone in your
life, look over that them and try to imagine having to make that
decision. To lose them tragically in that manner, only to have their
body not completely shut off. To hear talk radio show bash him for
entering another relationship afterwards is insane. What is the man
supposed to do? She's not coming back ever. Would you begrudge your
partner the chance to find comfort, someone else's arms? Myself, and
most people I know, would make that my dying wish- that he or she move
on and find happiness again- because I did love them.
This has been made an issue for the anti-abortionists, the religious
zealots. Respect the family- the one she made for herself as an adult,
not the one she was part of as a child. The parents should let go and
grieve, and try somehow to make peace (though it's very late for that
now) with the man their daughter loved. The rest of us should go find
something else to watch on tv.
As for congress, they need to be doing their job. This series of
convenient distractions won't make the real world go away. Iraq is
still a mess. And there's real trouble brewing, things perhaps that
they don't want us to see so much. For example: China has just passed
a law authorizing use of force to make Taiwan comply and bow to their
rule, in case you missed it. What if they do? We have long-standing
pledges to defend Taiwan; a much more valid reason to go to war than
was with Iraq. Our word, our believability and respect around the
world lay in the balance. And right now, we're spread thin in a war we
can't fully justify (bringing democracy?? c'mon now). Even if we had
our full resources ready, it'd be as hard to stop an invasion of
Taiwan by the Chinese as it would be for them to stop us from taking
Cuba. Same logistics, only in reverse. Of course, we can use the nuke
threat- but in the current "global terrorism" environment, how will it
go over if we hold the world hostage with our finger on the button?

Cuz don't forget the Chinese can and will nuke us right back. How will

it look if we DON'T use force to honor our treaties, especially after

we did use it in Iraq? The same way it always looks when someone slaps

a weakling but backs down when someone their own size attacks a sworn

friend. And you better believe that at least a couple people in
Beijing are thinking about rolling the dice on that. Let's hope they
aren't the ones making decisions over there.
Ok, quick poll: what further current events will we find congress
jumping into? I'm betting they go after the "child killer" thing in
Fla; it's been on the tube enough. Some type of hearings there, I'll
wager...

ubuntu and the curve

2005-03-17T21:30:00.000-08:00

I've spent the last couple of weeks getting my feet wet with Ubuntu, the hot new linux distro. I must say it's very appealing and user-friendly in lots of ways. First off, they'll mail you the CDs free, no charge even for shipping. That's great for someone with dialup. There's a LiveCD, like Knoppix, which lets you boot from the CD and not change anything on your hard drive. A great way to get a taste while still keeping Windows. And it comes loaded with opensource software for windows- openoffice, GIMP, a PDF writer and more. I like openoffice better than Office2000 actually; it gives you more options (like saving Flash or PDF files).
Ubuntu is fairly easy to play around with. And to me, I like the look better than Mandrake (my prior linux experiment). I've also found lots of resources online, enough to get most everything working- no small task as I could never figure out how to set up dialup internet access on Mandrake. And it's fast; I put it on a celeron 350 with 128m ram made out of spare parts. It blazes compared to the PII 400 I have w2k on for my son, and not too bad against my athlonXP 2700 w/ 512ram. I was even able to install Wine on it easily once I got it to go online (though I've yet to figure out how to use it. Give me another week or so).
Linux is coming on, both as a way to squeeze more life out of older boxes and as a legit alternative to windows. I mess around with some programs which are currently windows-only, (at least until I get wine up and running) or else I'd consider strongly changing over now. There's nowhere near the online hazards like viruses yet, though I'm sure they're coming.
Go check it out- can't hurt.
www.ubuntulinux.org

Basketball....

2005-03-01T08:53:00.000-08:00

LSU basketball provides an interesting picture of life. Let's take a
brief look at both the men's and women's teams for the past two years.
The two teams have a number of similarities and parallels. Each has a
star player that came from the same inner city high school, a school
more noted for producing drug dealers than college students. Both
teams have had varying measures of success and has had a season
profoundly affected by the career decisions of a crucial senior
player. That's about the bulk of the common points. The differences
reflect the realities of life and the game, and demonstrates why I
think the NBA has destroyed the men's sport at all levels.
The women's team has Seimone Augustus from Capitol High as it's
marquee player. She's now a junior, and the team is currently ranked
number 1. They made the Final Four last year and lost to Tennessee on
a heartbreaking last second play. This season they've lost one game,
on the road in overtime fairly early in the season. And led most of
that game. The senior in mention is the point guard; she was listed as
a senior last year, and even got her degree, but was granted an extra
year of eligibility and took it. She controls the game completely, has
set every LSU and conference record for assists that there is. The
team seems destined for a title this year, and with Augustus returning
next year should contend again. They've sold out 2 or 3 home games
this season, remarkable for women's basketball.
The men's team has Brandon Bass from Capitol High as it's marquee
player. He was conference Freshman of the Year last year and has a
good shot to be Player of the Year this year. But the game is
different, because of the NBA. The senior in question for the men is
Jaime Lloreda, who last year was leading the team in points and
rebounds. They were tooling along at 17-3 when he got a twisted ankle.
He quit the team at that point, announcing he was leaving to start
preparing for the NBA draft. The team went into freefall, losing 6 of
it's last 7, didn't make the big dance, and lost the first games of
the conference tourney and NIT. Bass strongly considered leaving for
the draft as a freshman, and is almost sure to go after this season.
Another recruit, 'Big Baby' Davis, considered the draft out of high
school last year before coming, and I expect the same from this year's
big name recruit, Tasmin Mitchell. So despite having a number of young
players with talent, there's as much apprehension as excitement among
the fans. The men have yet to sell out a home game, and I believe that
the women have higher attendance. I think the highest attended game
had 9,000 people in a 15,000 seat arena. Fans have called for the
coach's head the past few years, quite strongly this season; yet he's
mentioned as potentially the conference Coach of the Year. As for
LLoreda? Never got drafted, isn't in the NBA (not even the pitiful
Hornets want him).
Therein lies the issue. Much like frying the goose that lays the
golden egg, the NBA is wiping out men's college basketball. And in the
process, American basketball. It's no coincidence that the Olympic
team has dropped from Untouchable status to no longer being a serious
contender for the gold, even with the vaunted pro players. You don't
learn the same skills in the bigs as you would in college, both on the
court and in life. Becoming a multi-millionaire at 19 sort of
eliminates your motivation to push your limits and grow as a person.
Why bother? And look at the league culture- that brawl with players
attacking fans during a game overshadowed the Kobe Bryant rape case,
which overshadowed the Olympic flop. The game is ugly and poorly
played, and the rest of the world exposed us. Rather than attempt to
repair the sport itself by making players stay in college longer like
the NFL (look at Maurice Clarett and Mike Williams), the NBA now
drafts more and more high school kids.
Consider what might have been: LLoreda stays with the team and they
win a few more last year, surely making the NCAA tournament. He
probably would have gotten a better look by the pros since he wouldn't
have that 'quitter/selfish' label as a marginal prospect, and probably
by now would be making some dough with someone like the Hornets. And
what may still be: Bass may stay, recognizing the he, like Augustus,
could make his college team something special as a junior. But this is
what's sad: who cares about winning, excelling, especially as an
amateur? It's "show me the money". Wealth is great, don't get me
wrong- but so is having the maturity and life experiences to handle
it. Going from living at mom and dad's house and never dealing with
money issues (rent, bills, etc) to being mega-rich: nice dream, but
you can't just drop it into checking. It'd be nice to take a few
business classes before you trust all your money to someone else who
sees you mainly as income. Cuz don't forget, it's "show me the money"
for agents, accountants and the like too. In fact, that actually IS
their game, and they're a whole lot more skilled at it than a 6'9"
high school kid.

I'm back

2005-01-06T19:47:00.000-08:00

been awhile since I last posted; didn't mean for it to be so long. A culmination of factors really- blogger seems to freeze up on me at times. I've had some really prolific essays into the bizzare and profound, only to sit helplessly while my whole body of work goes into the aether. Of ourse, I'd be remiss in blaming it all on the site, because I've gotten fairly morose and withdrawn at times and haven't had the energy to write.
For the time being I have a weird perspective on things. Some of my plans have ben assassinated, others wilt on the vine as I drift. But then, I don't plan on giving up just yet- where would be the fun in that? So, a few little observations on random items of our world (so long as my isp doesn't clang shut again!):
politics- such fun, huh? Bush has brought 'democracy' to Iraq and everyone touts that as great. I didn't recall that being why we went in.... and what is it we've accomplished? The Iraqis selected a predominately Shiite fundamentalist group, influenced by "the ayatollah". Thought we didn't want that... but it was their choice, no? Now, are we going to coerce this group to westernize, to be pro-gender equity and pro-capitalist (act like us)? That ain't their teaching. They don't like our way of life, our ideals. Will this still be heralded as the momentous event of the decade if every chick not all shawled up gets beaten to within an inch of her Americanized life? Seems to me that the attempt to put a positive spin on this foreign policy disaster is fraught with perils. Take North Korea- they're being paranoid assholes about needing nukes to defend themselves from us, right? But wait- we're not in Iraq to stamp out weapons of mass destruction earmarked for use by terrorists (though that WAS the stated premise, if you remember), we're there to BRING DEMOCRACY TO A DICTATORSHIP we stamped out. And joyously descrying the glories of our acheivement. Hmm, North Korea IS a dictatorship too...; would they not fit right and neatly into that profile? Of course, 2 big differences apply there. First off is China. There wasn't a major military power on Iraq's borders like there is out east. Second, Korea isn't 'developing' stuff, they HAVE it already. Now, I'm a patriot and proud of my country, don't get me wrong. But I cringe at the likely perception of bullying and cowardice one could infer from this all. Because it does have a ring of truth to it; I don't think Saddam was wrong in his statement that the American population doesn't have the stomach to face heavy losses. He just didn't have a rat's ass chance is all. You'd have more odds to smell a fart in a hurricane than for a third rate (and yes it was) army with 40 yr old equipment hold off a major U S offensive. So are we really bullies, only smacking down the weaklings? I think not, but I just wish Bush et al would say what he really wants to do with Baghdad. I suspect those old 'oil war' theories are not too far out of place. And really, would there be a furor now if we esablish a permanent presence there? I mean, from us Americans. We do, after all, have a major need of oil- not just for gas but also plastics and all the other chemical derivatives. We keep tens of thousands of troops in Europe, that many more in Asia- because we have a vested interest in keeping markets flowing. And our troops are on bases in countries we beat. Is Bahgdad going to be Tokyo jr? Well, since we happen to be there, I guess it's a good bet Bush would like it to be. We'd be able to keep the Mideast calm, and "protect Israel" too- or that'd be the idea. But if that's the goal, then don't fool around with this 'democracy and self-rule' crap. None of this "we'd like you to let us stay if you want" junk, if you don't plan to leave. Say from the beginning- "we kicked Saddam's ass, now we're setting up shop; and as a benefit you get to eat McDonalds- and if you fix up the place we'll be spending tourist dollars here too". Say it; who's going to stop us now anyway? But then again, in WWII the Allies kicked the living shit of the populaces before they occupied them (remember Dresden, the bombings all over Germany- and of course a couple of cities going poof in Japan). We haven't done this in Iraq. I don't advocate brutality, just realize that it does have it's effects. Ever notice how quiet Eastern Europe was when the Red Army was camped out? Now it's free- to kill itself. Is Iraq really that different than Chechoslovakia? The Nazis oppressed them equally, the Commies followed up with more of the same. Now, no oppression and what, 3 or 4 different countries emerged after some heavy duty slaughtering (oh, and if you check history, they were doing that before the Germans rolled in the first time). More of the same here, between the Kurds, Sunni and Shi'ites. I expect it'll take us staying there awhile putting a boot on their necks to keep Iraq calm. And if you don't like that, then admit it's time to leave.
Further politics: ever notice how the NRA attacks the Democrats and Clinton in particular? Almost any election, some Republican makes a point of being for gun owners and hunting. I'm a democrat, have some liberal views on things, conservative on others. I own several guns. A few, actually. A number of pistols, a 12 gauge pump, and an SKS rifle (yugoslav). I don't hunt hardly, but I hear the SKS makes a fine deer rifle. Back to the point- the NRA vilifies Clinton and the Dems constantly. You'd think the gun companies would consider Clinton as Satan; or would you? Go to www.marstar.com and look around. Look for Norinco firearms. This is a Canadian website which sells guns. Norinco is the Chinese gun maker (makes pretty much everything else too). You'll note that Norinco makes a copy of damn near every gun there is- Glock, Colt, Beretta- and sells them brand new for about $200 at most. Get an M1 carbine for $150. And I doubt the guns are as bad as people would have you believe; I own 2 Norinco 9mm Tokarevs and they shoot just fine, thank you. Probably no more difference than a different stamp and not as polished. But you can't buy new Norinco guns here anymore; Clinton stopped that. So if you want a Glock, be ready to drop at least twice as much. M1 Carbine? Good luck. So brother Bill has probably made Colt, S&W, Glock, Beretta and the rest quite a bit of dough. You'd think someone, somewhere, might pick up on that and turn a little heat back the other way. If you oppose Clinton's policies why not reopen trade with China for guns? The things sell used at gunshows; Norinco 'winchesters' get snapped up like candy.
Brief segue on the 'evil' SKS: they're semiauto. My SKS has a fixed magazine, I have to load it with stripper clips (like the M1 garand from WW2). It cost $129 at a gunshow. Ruger makes a gun, the Mini-14, which is semiauto. Comes in 223 nato (just like M16) and 7.62 (just like my SKS and the AKs). It has a detachable clip; it costs half a grand. Anyone bashing Rugers for being evil? Look them both up online at wikipedia; you'll note they look fairly similar. As for the "buy American" rants- if your auto, your TV, stereo and computer (parts too people!) are all US made, then go ahead (I dunno, maybe Macs are all-american). But if you have anything that says Sony, Nissan, etc, then eat me. Oh, and Beretta is Italian, Glock is Austrian..... as for TVs, I believe Curtis Mathis is out of business.
Another front- Opus is back(!). For those my age and older, you'll remember Bloom County. Just the other day I saw Opus wearing his fruitbasket hat, daring the conservatives to call him gay ala SpongeBob. I've got worn paperback novellas of Bloom County proudly sharing shelfspace with Shakespeare and Nietchze (yep, got the obligatory N_ from back when I took German Lit in college... lotsa beer and chili stains on it). Berke Breathed's writing and viewpoints were/are an inspiration to me. An eloquent voice to express the determination to remain openminded and hopeful in a bizarre and jaded society. And as he showed with Billy and the Boingers' escapades, he knew Ozzy was a fat, doddering ol faker long before the Oz showed it on the Osbournes. It does tweak my melancholy to see what became of Steve Dallas; because there both were and still are some aspects of that character that I identified with. Now he's middle aged with a pre-adolescent kid, raising him single too, after having previously devoted his life to 1 BEER and 2 BABES (though unlike Steve, I can lay claim to neither having my brain tampered with by aliens, or an episode of gayness). If anyone knows, whatever became of Socks the cat after Bill had his torrid affair (and found out Socks was a guy)? Socks was Clinton's cat for those of less literary acumen (or the youngsters). And if you don't know Bill the Cat, then take a break and read up. Bill and Opus are the quintessential everyman-heroes for my generation.
Yet another dig- I still use Windows, W2K- I like the program availability versus Linux (yeah, I know, get WINE); plus I just have a bitch of a time dealing with dialup on Linux. That, and getting my scanner, camera, PDA, flashmemory stic, and printer- I could go on about the hardware ad nausium. I do still play with Linux, Mandrake (KDE) and now Ubuntu/Debian on an older box. Ubuntu looks like it could be quite user-friendly; I've gotten lazy with windows. It IS easy, after all. I go open-source as much as possible- GIMP and OpenOffice actually have some advantages over Photoshop and Office (not the least of which is the price to legally own); OpenOffice also can do Flash and PDF. Ubuntu will send you (free, no S/H) the distro with a LiveCD that lets you boot from the CD rom drive to check it. Also has open-source goodies on it- OpenOffice, GIMP, Firefox, Thunderbird, some others. Is I said, I do dialup so that's the only way I'm getting anything large. If it's over 15 megs, I need to bug my hi-speed buddies.
Life with a Child: getting tougher to stay focused. He's now becoming proficient with his own PC (an older PII400). I got him a cheap-ass digital camera from walmart for his birthday, a vivitar something or other. No memory card, no LCD display, hell no flash: but it does take 480x400 or so vga pics, with 8 meg memory. Takes maybe 50 at a time, looks fine at 3"x5" if the lighting's good. Twenty bucks and it hooks up with a USB. He's learned how to acquire the camera into GIMP, so now he's playing with photomanip (I taught him to play with Photoshop too, I got it with my drawing tablet). Jeez, he's just 10; I wasn't there until mid-upper 20's. We actually can talk computers now (that's my boy*sob*)! Though I'm still fuzzy on this whole YuGiOh deal. For awhile, he didn't seem to understand it either, not really. Hell, the cards are poorly translated from Japanese, no one could. It seems like as long as you can be dramatic and grandiose, you can say your boogermonster whips the other guys hoochiecritter (and yes, I realize that sounds fairly sexual. About half those cards are anime wenches- another rant for another day,... but then we had wonderwoman as kids so who's to say?).
Maybe another day I'll hit Michael Jackson, Paris Hilton, Fear Factor (ok, here goes- do we really fucking care? I wish Mike Tyson would come back and eat them); but it's getting a bit late and I've gotten long winded.
Thanks for the nudge, anonymous
out

echoes

2004-12-17T10:34:00.000-08:00

This isn't meant to insult or offend anybody; just a brief prompt. I'm publishing posts for a couple of reasons. One reason is to seek to create a discourse, throw a subject out on the table and get responses. So far, I've gotten a grand total of one (though to be sure, a number of emails directed to me privately). Remember, if you comment anonymously, your privacy is ensured even from me.
If you read something, type out a quick comment please. It can be on my post or someone else's comments. And it doesn't have to be on the newest topic; that's why I leave the old posts up.
Thanks again!

changes

2004-12-14T13:07:00.000-08:00

Changes. We all undergo them, for better or worse. Sometimes we initiate them, sometimes they're brought on from without. How we handle them, how we cope, is key to our success- or failure.
I've undergone a tremendous series of life-altering events this year, with mostly positive results. They have been of both a professional nature, such as promotions and increased scope of responsibility, and personal- chief being the reconciled friendship with my ex wife. I'd like to take credit for such events, but truth be told none of those occurred due to efforts of my own. I merely took hold of each oppurtunity as it presented itself and shaped it in the way I saw best.
As I've noted, I've been pleased for the most part with the results. My relationship with my ex, the mother of my son, had been venomous for several years (as those who stood by me during the end of my marriage can attest). But there was no point to holding on to long-standing grudges, no benefit whatsoever. We each had our reasons and theories of what happened and why; suffice to say it didn't work. Sometimes it just doesn't, and if you try to hold on too long things end up getting incredibly ugly. I know I came out scarred, mistrustful of women, seeing them as no more than an attractive form of leeches, bloodsuckers who use what they can and discard the rest. I'm sure she carried similar baggage from our trainwreck of a relationship.
It was in this setting that she approached me midyear. For reasons left anonymous, there was a pending life event that had her both unnerved and needing help with our son. We agreed on the importance of that, so I took the chance and dropped my guard. Rather than an ambush, I walked into an open and frank discussion of who we were. I think we both came out better, with some acceptable closure. And we became somewhat friends again.
That was an important point. Like it or not we've been entwined for 20 years, from most of high school in various forms of relationship. Both had made sacrifices for the other, had made the other's causes our own. To hate such a person was to hate yourself; and it was clear as we talked that both of us felt some of that. That ended this year. Now, I'm not going to dance through dandelion fields with her anytime soon, or anything like that. But I do understand her again and no longer wish her either failure or unhappiness.
One of the bitterest results of our relationship had been the elimination of my education oppurtunities. This had been both active (we had fights on whether I should be in school or working; she won her point by default by causing me such stress that I had eventually no choice but to withdraw), and as a side effect: in our settlement I won the house; but rather than being free to return to school I now had that financial burden solely on my shoulders. Not enough money in the pot for both; and for a variety of factors I chose independence over education (once again, that choice has been questioned by many, but those who've been around the longest know why I made that decision). For years I chaffed at doing, at being less than I wanted or felt capable of, of watching others succeeding and advancing while I was left behind. At the social isolations and divisions, of seeing people make judgements (conscious or not) about me based on my job title. It's actually funny, even as it's infuriating, to watch someone be condescending to you, as though they're so much smarter and better in every way. I actually once had someone talk down to me about some topic he felt he was more authoritative on, based on his position; we actually had learned the subject (pharmacokinetics) in the same classes. Amazingly he's avoided me like the plague ever since I pointed out (ok, a bit smugly) not only the flaws in his points, but that I averaged close to 20 points higher than him in each of those classes.
But so it's went, each year a bit further removed from hope and success, more resigned to the life I was stuck in. More accustomed to being overlooked by people I felt some common thread (oh, he's one of those). I hated my life and I hated myself, andI knew where that was leading; just I didn't much care anymore. That's when life decided to pitch in, with one of those 'make it what you will' moments. I got myself promoted out of my safety net, and through the quirks of fate right out of employment. I had a few moments of bitterness, of feeling loyalty and friendship betrayed; of impending despair and doom. Even a few thoughts of "fuck it, why not?" on a taboo subject- on whether I might not just cut to the chase and cash out now. But I've ever been the responsible one as an adult (penance for my youth I guess), and my son depended on me being around. So I went through the motions and found a surprise.
I now have the oppurtunity of pursuing my education again- and with the circumstances involved there's tons of aid available to me. Amazing, but that's our society- nothing to assist the gainfully employed in bettering himself, but a zillion programs to help out the unemployed. I'm now eligible to get full coverage of school costs, plus financial assist to maintain a reasonable standard of living; or, I could follow the work ethics of an outdated value system and hustle up another dead-end job. Not much of a choice there, huh? Oh, and that's a rhetorical question. No doubt many will bitch at sucking up tax dollars in this manner, but then I paid those taxes too. As for those who'll look down their noses at me in disapproval for doing things this way, for 'trying to get over' or something like that, you're probably the same ones who made light of me for being in a position less than your own status. So, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, fuck you . I figure I've paid my dues, it's time for some changes...........

merry christmas to y'all

the pc blues

2004-11-30T13:51:00.000-08:00

OK, whoever said there's no such thing as a jinx was wrong. My old computer crashed; and I decided to replace it. I considered getting a Dell, as prices are low right now. $400 after rebates would get me aplug-it-in-and-turn-it-on brand new pc. My brother persuaded me otherwise; since I already had a case, modem, 80 gig hard drive, and dvd/cdrw drive, we decided on getting a new processer, motherboard,video card, and memory. It'd cost less, and the resultant computer would be much better. He'd assembled quite a few in the past, and we had every reason to believe it'd be no problem.Well, that turned out to be not so. Everything arrived and we got busy. Got it all put together and tried to load Windows. At first,everything was fine, but then the installion hung up. We tried to start over- and that's when murphy's law started applying.. First, the new motherboard- something zapped the BIOS. He had brought up one ofhis own pc's, of similar configuration, so he offered to swap out the board. After all, the warranty would cover the board, we'd get in a new one. Swapping would save the days involved with shipping, and he had other pc's in the meantime. So we loaded it all up on the other board, everything worked perfectly- except now my hard drive was toast. We tested with his, it was all fine. But he needed his drive,and it was only 20 gig; so I decided to go get a new hard drive. Found one at bestbuy, after rebate $70 for a 120gig. This was getting expensive; but then everything worked. For a little while. Then things started dying off faster than a Congo village hit by ebola. Firstwindows crashed, said missing critical files. Tried to reload windows. Wouldn't read my copy of windows, couldn't load a number of files. So we grabbed his copy and his newer cd burner in case it was a matter of the drive not being able to read well enough. But when we swapped out the cd drives, his wouldn't power up. Then my cd drive wouldn't either, just like it wasn't plugged into the power source. So either both drives, or the power supply, or (both?) are toast, Windows won't run, and I'm now out close to $400 (plus his stuff too). Even got my dad (an old engineer) to check the surge protecter- which was fine.Hopefully this machine will eventually get working, but that Dell deal looks so nice in retrospect.......

without floaties in the deep end

2004-11-21T13:07:00.000-08:00

It's been a tumultuous couple of weeks, at times challenging to find anything, either within my own life or in the greater world, worth smiling about.
I'm an admitted sports fan, have been since my beloved Tigers awoke in me the inspiration that magical seasons can give to the young. A valiant basketball team which advanced each year to a further round in the tourney, it's core units intact 4 years running, each year losing to the overall champion (for those unaware, just look up Rudy Macklin, Ethan Martin). The brilliant but fatally flawed football team which went to the Orange Bowl in 82, full of future NFL players, and possible national championship contenders- had they not managed to lose to Tulane and Mississipi State after castrating Florida State to earn the Orange Bowl bid. Who there could forget the energy that night, what started as a tense shootout? There was a fog which started so low that you could look down from the rim of the stadium and see it rising all about, until finally it spilled over the lip and poured down the bleachers like a blessing from the football gods. And then the game went from 21 all to 52-21, with oranges sailing out of the stands with each score. Heady stuff to a kid of 12 or 13. As memorable as the first real kiss from a pretty girl.
So it is in that light that I look upon the news recently. In a world going down the tubes, sports has been that little bit of escape amid the madness. And it is madness on the local Live at 5: from international excerpts showing another beheading, another truckbombing, memoriums to Arafat (?). National, vindictive spin-master nonsense on politics, to the point where no one has any clue of the actual truth or facts, just bashing. To local, where we see how rotten the fabric of this town is, how full of thugs. Ghetto-blasting SUVs running over children in the street and keep rolling, apparently too wrapped up in their bass thumping to even notice they hit something- or just unconcerned. Shootouts every night, a dozen Springer-type trailer trash tragedies a month. Now what little relief sports provided is fading fast. Pro basketball players jumping into the stands, attacking fans, in a brawl that killed the NBA in my eye. And these spoiled thugs don't even get it- some players on other teams made remarks about holding fans accountable. F--king idiots; where do the millions these clowns get come from? They're supposed to be a product, entertainment for us- that's why there are 15,000 seats at the arena. Instead, it's become a church, and they think it's their place to be worshipped. As I've said, I'm done with the NBA. Let em take their streetball back to the hoods and fade into obscurity. But it's pervasive throughout our society. Drugs, deviant sex, blatant gamesmanship and power struggles. A me first, me only attitude that would do the Romans proud.
I once had a friendship with a person who showed me another world. A world where people didn't get intoxicated, where things were quiet and gentle. Where intelligence and articulate thought were more important than bling. I didn't see the sexual part- it's a part of any society, to be sure- but could feel what it should be: as between lovers, a part of the intimacy that inspired Dunn and Shakespeare and countless other poets. But the refreshing thing was that part wasn't as it is in our world. You could be close to someone without necessarily being her lover. Could share a day, and feel like it meant something, without ever getting anywhere the bed. And let me be open here, I don't mean to make this something it wasn't. I'm not going to suggest she was some goddess of purity, or that the world she lived in was some idyllic Eden. It's just a matter of perception (and, hell, all of life is, ain't it?). But I really liked that world, that viewpoint that she had taken the time to show me. Think of the movie 'what dreams may come', not the plot, but the feel. Kind of like a fairytale land for adults.
But of course, as someone once wrote, all fairy tales must end. No one exists in a vacuum, away from the outside world. Things creep in, and things within ourselves creep out. A person can't help but notice the impression a friendship makes to others. Once intimacy and trust starts, it's tough not to let that lead to deeper, confused feelings beyond fondness. I screwed things up (good at that) by personalizing all my positive emotions toward her. Eventually that little seed of desire grew. I found myself making sexual innuendos, as shocked at myself as much as she was. And it felt wrong, kind of like the dread you got as a kid whenever someone said 'god damn' in a church. But it only took once for things to change, and it went down from there. I tried to apologize, to repair,....... can anyone be blamed for turning away from those who betray their trust?
Which is a shame. I miss my friend. I miss the world she represented. I know, I could try to create it for myself; but so much of the joy of it all was having someone to share it with. Finding someone who shared the same values, ethics, morals you did- or wanted to. Doing it alone just isn't the same. And lately anyway, that hasn't been my path. Left alone, I seem to find easy routes to anger, frustration. My job has been really good at that recently.
Really interesting where peace can come from. I've had a lack of faith recently. Maybe thinking too much, but seeing so much shit going on, so much carried out with religious motivations, so little credibility left to anything. Is there anything really there, if so why do so many people get ahead who screw others, while someone who tries to be giving, who tries to turn the other cheek, and all that christian line, always gets stomped down? Anyway, ended up seeing 'the exorcist' the other day on tv. And I don't know, just something about such a graphic and credible depiction of that evil was comforting. I mean, the devil goes hand in hand with god, basically, if that makes sense; you can't have the one without the other. And no, this isn't about devil worshipping, just noting that you can't predict where your inspiration arises.
Oh well, time to go, gonna enjoy the rest of my weekend. See ya

back...

2004-11-07T13:37:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's been awhile since I posted. I've tried several times, only to have my connection sieze up, and then my home PC gave up the ghost. So, here's a few quick notes on stuff the last couple of weeks...
Election week came and went with little real drama. No real shock that the W beat Kerry, but the margin surprised me. I would have thought that there would have ben something of a protest vote against Bush. When you look at the geographic spread of the votes, though, some interesting patterns arise. Kerry took both coasts and a lot of the areas around the Great Lakes, Bush took the south, midwest and the west. So the nearer you are to a major metropolis, the more inclined to pick Kerry you are. The margins in those states were really high, far too high to suggest solely racial splits (in response to the 'blacks vote demo and heavily populate big cities' theory). In actuality it seemed the more urban and progressive, the more democrat, whereas the more bubbas there are around, the more republican. I suppose the gay marriage thing scared off a lot of people- like anyone really believed THAT was high on Kery's priorities? But in the heartland, I guess they couldn't take any chances that 'them queers' may rise up, especially since you couldn't even call in the national guard to protect their self-righteous asses. That's because the guard is going to be protecting Tikrit and Fallujah for the foreseeable future...! Speaking of which, I wonder whether we'll see more talk of a draft shortly, since nobody's going to join the guard or reserves just for free tuition anymore. I seem to remember a number of people who did that back when I was in school. Other things I'm expecting by 2008: $5 a gallon for gas, oil drilling all across previously protected areas of Alaska, one or two more wars involving Islamic fundamentalists- say, Iran, maybe Indonesia too (don't scoff, Indonesia is on the Pacific Rim and if their bullshit starts affecting our business in Japan or South Korea or the rest, they fit the bill nicely). An easy way to predict this- a good invasion both rises morale among the core conservatives, and keeps attention focused away from anywhere else. But you don't want to attack a country that's really a threat- look at North Korea. They have nukes, and they've already shown they'd put up a fight before. Nary a word from Bush on them, even while they basically flipped us the bird. He chose instead to kick Iraq's ass again, just like daddy. But despite his partying days, he forgot a rule- to get good results politically you need to treat military intervention like casual sex. Go in and do the deed, but by all means get out before the coffee's cold. Bush must have been the guy who hung around all weekend after getting laid friday night.
Thanks to the one chic answered my earlier question in search of happiness. And ya didn't even mean to, that's the nicest part. Here's lifting a cold Shinerbock to ya, and wishing we could split some more black bean nachos... On the line of happiness, I've found that expressing yourself artistically helps greatly. I know a bunch of people who consider such stuff trivial, a waste of time. These folk tend also to drink more and more as they age. I wonder if they're self medicating to compensate for some missing or repressed part of their beings. Knowing your muse helps though; I'm not one to sing for example. I do like to perform and have at times been encouraged to get involved in theater. That's not quite my gig, though. Following a rigid script tends to make me selfconscious, I do much better at improvisation. Going off on a Robin Williams- style rant makes me high as a kite. Maybe I'd have made a good standup comedian; I've certainly been successful in incorporating it into the educational aspects of my job. The problem with that particular type of expression is it tends to offend people a lot more than the poetry reader or singer. And the real shame of it is that the more happy and relaxed I am the more spontaneous I become. What I'm actually doing is finding humor and laughter and trying to share it with others. It can get awkward whenever someone I'm otherwise friendly and happy around reacts so adversely; sometimes people stop taking you seriously or even think you crazy. I've not noted singing usually prompting that response....
We each do our thing, and I've always liked to draw and write. One of my aspirations still remains to be a novelist. These efforts can bring me great peace of mind, but I guard who views my work. I infuse some escapism and fantasy into both mediums, and people can often leap to conclusions regarding the matter. I've been called a dreamer, an adolenscent, and much worse. The key is to stay balanced, to feel free to express yourself without fear, and to be aware that it is all make-believe. I pity those who slip off into a fantasy world because they don't like their own lives, just as I pity those who can't see the relevance of taking a break from the day-to-day existance.
And really, what makes something like 'desperate housewives' or CSI any less fantastic than a good ol' pulp like Tarzan or Conan? Neither's happening .... ;-)

politics et al

2004-10-27T04:57:00.000-07:00

Just a few observations as elections roll around...
I've noted the disparity between the liberal and conservative fronts; there's definitely a difference in unity. The other day I read of an animal rights group (we'll assume they're liberal) taking out a series of ads opposing the lead Democrat in the Senate race. Considering that 1) we've never had a Republican senator from this state and 2) the Republican is way ahead as it is, I found this a bit odd. I mean, you don't see the NRA or pro-life groups actively opposing Republican candidates. They're seeking not to elect an individual, but a bloc, and they've succeeded to a large extent. It doesn't seem that long ago that the House and Senate were Democrat by a fair margin; now the Republicans run just about everything. And until enough different liberal groups can put aside their differences- and egos- and start seeing the larger picture, I can't see it changing.
Granted, the issue at hand was ugly, he apparently made comments in support of cockfighting(!). But honestly, nobody expects a push to expand that 'sport', and if the animal rights front wants a sympathetic ear in congress they'd be better off creating a Democratic majority. You don't have to campaign for him, but don't actively campaign against him either. Keep the big picture in mind.
My son came to me the other day and said his third-grade class had a mock election. I asked who he voted for and he said "Bush". When asked about his choice he shrugged; maybe Bush just comes across at a 9 year old's level....
He also made an astute observation the other day. Poor kid had a case of the sniffles and was playing 20 questions with me about colds while I read the sports page. Here's a play-by-play:
Q: Dad, what's a cold? A: It's a virus. Q: But what's a virus? A: A bit of rogue genetic information that takes over your body for a little while, til eventually you kick it out.
He paused thoughtfully at that, allowing me to almost finish the article I was reading, then he concluded "so- it's like a president".
Kid knows his politics....

the tree by the lake

2004-10-26T10:25:00.000-07:00

Been a while since I posted. Been searching for somewhere, a place I used to frequent. It seems I've lost my directions.
There is a secluded place, sort of a soft, rolling hillside overlooking a dark, quiet lake. A stately oak stands stands near the bank, giving shade and places to recline and rest among it's massive boughs. Several of the lower branches overhang the water, thick and sturdy enough that if you wish you could stretch out prone upon one and gaze for hours at your reflection in the shallows below. The tree itself seems ancient but still hale and healthy, cleanlimbed and green. You can hear the breeze off the lake sighing contentedly through the rustling leaves, bringing with it the breath of the pine forests ringing the hills on the far side of the lake.
The lake itself is clear and deep, cold year round. The shore is lined with slate and flagstones, warm tables to soak in the sun after an icy, invigorating plunge. Dragonflies skim the surface and alight upon the steps and branches, and sometimes on the occasional dozing sunbather, their gaudy metallic skins and kaleidoscopic eyes giving them the appearance of living Christmas ornaments on sabbatical.
Further up the hillside rounds to a meadow, butterflies dancing above the wildflowers and clover. Dandelions swaying in the breeze await, ready to release their cache of wishes at a breath's notice. Here the wind blows warm and fragrant under a high blue ceiling, soft clouds silently performing their pantomime. From this perch you can watch the sun set over the lake, can catch the amber and garnet rainbows rippling across the water and reflected back onto the tree. From here at night the stars seem closer, maybe just beyond a really good jump (a full jump, the way you used to as a child, not the hesitant and reserved jumps you do now). Here you can catch a falling star streaking it's brush across the sky; here you relearn that the stars aren't all white, but blue and purple and red and even green.
This is a nice, secluded little glen, a good place to picnic or swim or just spend an afternoon rolling down the hills. Here you lose the gray hairs and wrinkles and reclaim the wonder of life again. Here your jobs and bills fade away and you become who you were again, full of hope and innocent of heart. Here there's no loud music, no profanity, no cellphones, no stress or depression, no judgement, just peace and quiet.
I've meant to bring my son there, let him splash his toes in the water. But as I've said, though I had visited many times, it's been quite a while and I keep getting lost on the way back. A lot of the roads are blocked now, maybe all. Perhaps its been so long that my path just has been overgrown with thickets, and if I just push my way through instead of pulling back from the thorns.....

*to anyone who's been there and remembers the way, a map would be greatly appreciated*

Ok, here's starting

2004-09-13T11:24:00.000-07:00

I've been inflicting my personal fears and thoughts on tolerant friends in emails for years now, so I figured it's time to throw stuff out here. Less likely to get cracked with a baseball bat to the noggin this way. Y'all can read or not, and I'm not clogging up anyone's inbox anymore.